Parables

Ever have someone ask you a question so stupid, you had to answer in sarcasm?  There are things in this world probably shouldn't be said directly, but rather indirectly?  Why?  Well here's a parable:

When Murica gets attacked by the evil British redcoats, they for the most part fought back directly, line and file, but a big part of their success can be arguably be attributed to their use of guerrilla warfare, as portrayed by the highly unrealistic movie The Patriot, with Mel Gibson, so indirect responses can sometimes be quite useful.  Actually maybe this is not a parable, a parable would be "a parable is like Murica."

 As you can see, I used a parable to describe a more lengthy parable, to save time and space.  That's why people use parables, and also to sound deep, because the deep end of the pool is more fun than the shallow end.  See? I made another parable, I'm like a parable factory.

If King Solomon didn't use parables, the Book of Songs of Solomon would be miles thick, and we'd be still writing it.  So parables saves time, so we can use it to do other things, like accumulating wives and gold ;).  Seriously though, King Solomon is my hero...

Many people's idea of Judaism can be very skewed.  Ask the average American, and they will tell you either Jews are the devil, control the world, or ultra-pure and innocent people chosen as G-d's angels.  Ask a Chinese person, you get a good chance of them saying something like "Oh, Jews very smaht, very good money."  But what is Judaism, and how does it relate to the other religions.

First of all, when people speak of religions, they speak of ORGANIZED religions, which has a very negative connotation for many people.  Judaism is by far the most, in a good way, disorganized religion I've ever encountered in my life.  Nobody knows what exactly Judaism is.  Judaism, like G-d, like art, cannot be defined.  Two Jews, 11 opinions/viewpoints, it seems to be true.  Jews embrace plurality.  If Jews are an organism, the Torah is like the DNA.  And like genetic information, it can be interpreted in endless ways, flexible, and adaptable.

No matter how much Jews want to deny their Jewness, they end up doing Jews things, unconsciously.  Like the early punk rock bands like Joey Ramone and some other people, were Jews.  They want to deny Judaism, I think, yet their lyrics regarding overthrowing unjust, oppressive governments are as Jewish as you can get, even the tendency to wear hats...very Jewish.

Jewish scientists like Einstein and the Jew who suggested the "big bang" theory, seemingly denying G-d, yet come up with theories that strangely seem like it came from the Torah and kabbalah itself.  So like an Asian person who can't run away from eating rice, or latinos who can't run away from thinking about tacos all the time, a Jew is somehow intrinsically connected with the Torah, and the truth it conceals.  I wasn't even trying to make a parable.

A Jew is also like a pirate, in the most hollywood and glorified version.  Well first of all, some of the best pirates responsible for the most impressive heists were Jewish, in real life. The Jews were like the pirates in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, who accidentally took some Aztec gold, but instead of the gold, the Jews took the blessing/birthright.   Now moshiach, like Will Turner has to go return the gold and redeem the curse, by returning the exiles and bring peace to the world.  And like any good pirates, the Jews have a "pirates' code," called mitzvahs, which, like the pirates in that movie, the Jews have observed as "merely guidelines" to good pirates in that movie.  Jack Sparrow is like prophet Eliyahu who brings forth the moshiach Will Turner.  

Speaking of Jack Sparrow, his demeanor, beard, and wisdom came almost directly from that of the Chassidic rabbi.  Behind the humor, the crazy talk, are treasures of truth and wisdom.  I don't know how many times, sitting at Torah study, people would look at the rabbi, thinking "what the heck are you saying?  That's ridiculous."  But then one realizes that whatver the rabbi said actually is true.  And like Captain Jack Sparrow, he says "I do that quite a lot, yet people are always surprised."

If Captain Jack Sparrow is the archetypical rabbi, then Israel would be like the Black Pearl, legendary.  And like the Black Pearl, Israel represents freedom and prosperity.  May Torah enlightenment take back her rightful place in Israel, may all the terrible crew of Israel return to their ship, and sail off in search of Torah treasure, and literal gold.

If you've ever seen the movie Step Brothers, one way to look at it is that the parents are China and the US, and Will Ferrell and Steve Bruhl are Israel and Palestine.  Or the father is China, the mother is Israel, the US and Palestine are the kids...  Rebuilding the Temple is like arranging the Catalina Wine Tasting festival.  The therapist is like Torah for Will Ferrell, and Alice is like the Christians who has a crush on the Muslims or something...

Or Israel is like the punk kid in school, radical Islamic terrorists are like the goth kid who threatens to shoot up the school.  One day the goth kid tries to shoot up the school, but gets talked down by the punk kid, so the punk kid gets awarded the student of the month.  But the punk kid knows there's no honor being chosen, in fact it's not even cool, so he knocks down the whole school and sends everybody home to do their thing in the Olam ha Ba.  Christians are like the preppy girl who doesn't listen to punk rock, but admires the punk kid, who doesn't think she's cool.  China is the school whore.

If Judaism is punk rock, then Jesus was that one guitarist who was kicked out for being too crazy onstage, and maybe tripping a little too much on acid, basically according to the Jewish Talmud, Jesus goes "screw you guys, I'm off to tibet" or wherever he went.  Like many rockstars, you can tell Jesus also kind of hates his fans, hence you can find many places in the bible where Jesus complains about his people, and even flips crap at the temple, all the zen training can't hide the fact that he's a son of Jacob, with a warrior's blood.  So in a nutshell, Jesus creates his own gay little band called
"Christianity" which went mainstream and won a Grammy award, but all his Jewish friends rips on him for being a poser and sellout, because he's not esoteric, or "underground" enough.

Just one more parable, I'm on a parable roll... If Judaism is authentic Chinese martial arts, then mainstream Christianity is western karate taught by a white person charging $200 a month.  Esoteric Christianity is like Japanese karate.  Basically I'm saying Judaism is the real thing.  Authentic esoteric art will never try to get people to convert, like Judaism, to learn real Chinese martial arts, one needs to repeatedly ask to be taught the art by the master.  Radical Islam is like Brazilian jiu jitsu, because it fights dirty, doesn't have a standing state, and screwed when all the other countries unite and start kicking it.  Buddhism is like the muscle head at the gym, who focuses on self-development, but very little interest in interacting or fighting with others.

Actually another parable is that mainstream Christianity is like a knock-off brand of cell phone you buy at Chinatown, it kinda works but then threatens to put you in hell.  Wait, I'm not sure if that makes a complete parable...oh well.